Now it could just be this song or it could be the fact that I “beasted” in the gym today. But, I feel good. Real good. The type of good that makes you want me to smack the smile right off my face. I have been really good. Which has been a good shift to my past “bleh” out look on life for the last couple of weeks.
I had been contemplating moving back to my parents. My job has ended and there is no prospects in the horizon. This break down however ,was different. I do not think I cried. I had a few sprinkled anxiety attacks though. My breath caught in my throat refusing to be let out into the bleak world. My life was pivoting but, to what? where to? what was the purpose? In what direction was it pivoting to?
I have had to turn back to Inteco. Yet again for the umpteenth time I have found myself at the start line again. It is getting ridiculous at how familiar starting over feels like. How many times have I said I am back at the starting line? How many times have I been faced with a blank canvas?
This time round it I am ready. I have said challenge accepted. Strapped my boots and all that good stuff and I am ready to battle it out. Let us see what life has to offer me. This time around feeling sad or sorry for myself is wasteful. I do not need philosophical out look on life. I do not need to understand what is happening. I need to get through it. Head down and wade through the mud.
I will use the gym as an analogy, since you know I am now a gym rat. Unlike many people who contemplate life when in the toilet I do it at the gym. I have my music on loud, my vision blurs out the distraction. It is just me and well my reflection. Because let us face it the gym has a lot of mirrors and you cannot avoid yourself. I do my first set. My warm up. The set where I get my form right gauge my body, do a full body check. When I am ready I start with the weights I know I can carry then progress to heavier weights. At this angelic moment when I start contemplating the meaning of life my inner strength pull through. I am shocked. I knew I was strong but, not like this. I should not be able to lift the way I do but, I do and as a result I grow. I do more. I push that bar. I push my brain to accept that I am now strong and it is now conforming to the idea.
It has built a confidence that is spilling over in other areas of my life. So I am unemployed. So Inteco needs more than I can provide, the bus stops with me. I do not have money. I have become the sole director. There are new entrants to the market who could end Inteco as is. I could have gambled four years of my life for nothing. But, I am not worried. I have paid my dues and if I have to pay then so be it. It is amazing how much my brain has grown as I strengthen my body. It now knows its capacity. Its potential and its exciting.
It is simply a new challenge and you know how much I love those.
Until next time.