My first corporate breakup.
I had never wanted to be a part of the working force. I always saw myself as my own master. However, Inteco needed money. Thus, I not reluctantly enough decided to be someone’s employee. I was going in to grow my company I told myself. In and out. Naivety at its best.
I soon got complacent. I knew there was money that I could rely on. There was no risk. Without risk my mind gets lazy. I do not push as much as I ought to. The stakes were not that high. Not that I was not advancing my own business financially. I did. Tremendously but, I also let life happen to me. I moved out. I started adulting and I got used to the nifty package every end of the month.
I knew it was coming. There were signs. Still, it does not make it any easier when you get the call. It still hurts. Still feels like you have been punched. Still feels like there is no direction. What is the next step? What if I do not get a job? What does the next year look like for me?
I am in a state of purgatory. I keep leaping between anxiety and deadly silence. My mind is thinking and not thinking all at the same time. I could be a lot more depressed than I am. The anxiety I am used to does not cripple me anymore. My new state of being, one of gratitude does not allow me to be sad for myself. It could have been a lot worse. This is not the worst thing to happen. I still have my health, my support system, my happiness and my sanity.
I am scared what the future holds. Do not get me wrong. But, it is exhilarating to be at the beginning once more. To be able to write a new chapter in my life. A chance to pivot my life and completely change course if I so wish.
To the next chapter…
Until next time.