The darkness becomes my canvas as I start to paint my map. I erase my work with a blink of an eye. Immerse myself in a new game. It is between me and all the possible scenarios I can possibly come up with. I am trying to outplay the unknown. I start to hyperventilate. How will I manage? How will I know what move is right when I cannot see the next three moves. I cannot deal with the unknown. Its silence is deafening.
I have come to accept the unknown as a space where disappointment grows. It is a space filled with flashy gimmicks to trick you into stepping into it. It keeps you up at night. Drains your sleep. Leaves you restless, Leaves you mad. Deludes you into false excitement. You actually think that in the unknown something amazing will happen. You convince yourself to take that leap of faith and jump. Nothing venture, nothing gained right?
The unknown is a sadistic mistress. She enjoys seducing you into her claws. She enjoys tearing you apart while convincing you that you are still whole. She enjoys watching you running in circles chasing illusions. You build fantasies on whispers of thoughts. You do not have tangible ground to dream yet you do. She, the farmer, plants these ideas in your head. That all you need is faith. That all you really need is to strongly believe for you to conquer the unknown.
You willingly accept to be a cork in a stormy sea, to be pushed around at someone else’s will. You accept that you have no steering wheel in this abyss of the unknown. You resign yourself into believing her words, that what is happening is destiny. You hug this belief tight to your chest as it is the only alternative to air. If you stop believing you will realise you have been dead for a while. You cannot face yourself to accept that she has won. So you console yourself with a mediocre life and a mediocre job and a mediocre house and a mediocre affair. You accept mediocre happiness, mediocre sadness and mediocre fear. All those dreams you used to think you had have fallen down and turned into fertiliser for the next sap who thinks it is best to jump into the unknown without any plans. You accept willingly and utter these words “Well that’s life”
You got lazy. You stopped holding yourself accountable. New year resolutions are to be broken, why bother having them? I am not even going to create any this year. I will see where life takes me. A smile creeps up on the mistresses face. She sees your roots starting to grow. Soon you will be yet another tree in her forest. You will morph slowly, You will shed your past desires and ambitions without knowing. You will grow and your branches will spread. But, you are simply a diseased tree who did not have enough sense to try and navigate through the unkown. You instead foolishly embraced her.
Wake up and smell her scent before you choke on it.