I had a conversation with my friend a while back. We were on the road heading to the supermarket. Unlike others, our deepest conversations happen when we are walking. The topic of conversation was self identity and more so been comfortable in that identity that you have created.
Let me take you back a bit.
Correct me if I am wrong but, women and men are wired different. I know captain obvious much. I have noticed the majority of men come with a very strong in built sense of self. Young boys have no problem saying they themselves are the best instead of waiting for external validation. They wake up on they are the bees’ knees level and then society can add on top of that. Again this is a broad generalization, do not crucify me.
Girls on the other hand wait for external validation to build their self identity. I will take an example of the prettiest girl you know. How many times is she told she is pretty? How many times does she need validation that she is pretty? For the most part these girls’ identity is heavily hinged on been told that she looks good. Now, what happens if there is a prettier girl in the room. What self-identity does the former girl have? She can no longer identity as been the prettiest.
Now let me bring you back here.
Like very many other things for both boys and girls our self-worth and self-identity is built on our societal expectations. For those who do not fit into that we feel insecure, a big forehead isn’t cute for example thus, those who have a bigger than average forehead get insecure. If you try and be smart you are been aggressive. As a woman there are many social cues and expectations that confine us to a particular state of being. This includes how you view yourself.
Back to the conversation.
The greatest example of this is of black women and natural hair. Now I will call a spade a spade and say we have an ungodly hatred toward our hair. We are now really trying to push passed those demons and accept. Trying to explain women and their hair is a lengthy process. Our standard of beauty of self identification was based on the Caucasian woman. The closer you resembled a Caucasian woman the more favaroble you were deemed ( AN ENTIRE POST COMING THROUGH NEXT)
If it is not hair it is our body. We aren’t skinny enough or we aren’t well endowed. We look like a young boy. Did puberty forget you? All these are constant external cues we as women get from our society. As a result, we start to value ourselves through those lenses. When those standards are altered or you no longer fit into them you can be left vacant.
This year for me like many other things I had to build my own self esteem and self value system. Who am I as a person? What do I define as beauty? What do I define as positive or negative validation? If you are constantly talking only about my looks then I consider that as a negative validation because, I am not defined by my looks. It goes a step further to evaluate who you let into your circle (post on this soon) and what you are willing to tolerate from these individuals.
Until next time.