I have struggled with Inteco. I am STILL struggling. It is an emotional sink. Day in and Day out I am putting out fires. “Munira, this is not working”, “Munira, this is not going how you planned it” Any other time I would look at this challenges as great opportunities to flex my brain muscles. Today, I am tired. I want to wallow in self-pity and entertain the idea of marrying rich.
It is too much work. Not the actual work, that I enjoy. It is the constant thinking. I must think of my next move and all contingency moves if the first one fails. For all the contingency moves I must asses the effects and the consequences both short and long term. How will choosing the color red as a brand color affect Inteco? will people associate it with blood and get disgusted by it? will they misconstrue the message and think it means love? I am not trying to manage one part of a moving machine. I am working on all moving parts and those parts are moving in different directions when the actual machine is also moving. In other words there is a lot of moving.
I am tired. Of the constant stress headaches, of the doubt that seems to be making an appearance again. I hate been tired. Because when I am tired I stop, procrastinate and get anxious. I am stuck in between doing nothing and wanting everything achieved simultaneously. If I don’t catch it quick I will have anxiety, lose sleep and eventually fall ill. I will then stop inteco because it is a risk to my health and do other things for a few months. Afterwards, I will come back see nothing as moved and get depressed.
It is a vicious cycle I go through. Start of the year with enthusiasm and excitement. This will be my year I assure myself. I sit down in January and write all my beautiful dreams in my beautiful notebook. In February, I do a retake of the new year. January really did not count as I was planning. My action packed year will start in Feb. I go out look for opportunities, they are slow to come. I blink twice and it is August. “Oh my goodness!!” I have not done as much as I wanted to!! I change my strategy. We must get known. If we are known it will be easier. I forget the beautiful dreams in my beautiful notebooks and ran around like a maniac. If I am busy (busy doing what, I do not know) I will get results. I push myself. Write proposals, Write contracts, draw maps, have meetings with everyone. My diary is full. That’s a good thing. It means I am working (towards what I do not know). Then comes the crash. The realization hits that there was no direction. I was a dog chasing my own tail. All the progress was in my head
The realization hits.
I could have done more.