I was faced with the question what is happiness to me? I knew what happiness should feel like. Vaguely. There were bursts of short lived “happy” moments in my recent past. But, true happiness, I had no idea what that was all about. I was tired of chasing the high it came with. You know, when you feel like you are floating on air and everything is like an advert. In your head you are constantly breaking into song and everyone on the street knows the moves like in the Indian movies.
Happiness if not defined right is a dangerous drug. I chased its effects not its cause. The result was a depressing crash back to reality. That type of happiness isn’t sustainable. It leads you deeper into the pit of self-hate. My form of abuse was shopping. At the end of the day I hated that I had no self control. But, every time I bought something I was “happy”.
I had known for a few years my happy wasn’t sustainable. I knew but, I had nothing about it. It is so much easier to be a slave of your vices rather than try and break free. I had read many self-books. I had written down a plan. Spent countless hours planning on how I will be happier. However, when I closed the book that was the end of my initiative. I did nothing. There was so many underlining issues I never bothered to resolve what was making me stay at a stand still. I thought I was truthful to myself. I had no drive. I had no will to change although I wanted a higher quality of life. Thus, I was stuck in between wishing upon a star and reality.
This was my reality for about 3 years. One day, I asked myself when last where you happy? The first and last time I experienced happy I was a volunteer at a community service. My role was to feed the younger babies ( 3-6 months). I was at my happiest when I served. I was happy seeing others happy.
Unfortunately, I gave out too much of myself to everyone and did not leave some happy for myself. I gave so much away I was a shell of a human. I wanted to please everyone around me. I wanted to carry everyone’s burden. I wanted to ease their pain. I sacrificed myself in the process. At the end of the day I did not only know what my happy was I did not know who I was. I had no definition. Thus, no guiding compass. I was everything everyone wanted me to be but, nothing to myself.
I did not know what my happy was.
until next time,