It has been 20 days since I last wrote anything. Well, that is not entirely true. I have stared at the blinking cursor numerous times as I attempted to share my thoughts. But, as I stared nothing came. The electricity I usually feel as it travels from my head to the tips of my fingers was loudly silent. I stared at the blinking cursor as it matched the beat of my heart. It is not like I did not have thoughts. I had multiple heck, we could say even thousands of ideas swimming in my head. But, it was like watching a fish tank. I could see them. I could feel their presence but, I couldn’t reach them. Therefore, I pressed the x at the corner and waited for my inspiration to come back.
Many attempts later I am here.
I have not been able to share because I was finding myself *insert eye roll here*. I know. It is a very cliche line. Hear me out though. Self awareness is a continuous process. At least I think it is. I really did think I knew myself. I did not. Once I peeled off the layers I realized I had no idea. I learned I was living in a rat race. For example, I was chasing money to spend, then I spent until I had no more so I had to chase money again and the cycle continued. The worst bit of it all I had known my weaknesses in January. I had written them down action plan and all. Seven months down the line I realized I still had the same problems. I never tackled any. Life happened and I started reacting to it.
My main objective was not to drown. If I did not break down. If I did not have crying fits. If I could hold on and not dramatically tear apart then I would be good. If I could take what life was throwing at me well enough I would have accomplished something. I had to keep all the balls in the air. I just needed to survive and survive I did. Survival is not living. I was doing things but, not really asking the fundamental question, WHY? The last 20 days I have been figuring out the why to my life.
Until next time,