I had lost myself somewhere in my memory.
When I started Inteco. I took it as a part of me. Inteco and I were the same. I was Inteco and Inteco I. There was no beginning and end for me. I gladly embraced it. I faced depression countless times because failure of Inteco was a direct reflection of myself. I would have been a failure. Slowly, I let go of who I was and embraced Inteco as my definition of myself.
This definition was fine until it wasn’t. I started feeling that I could be more. I was an entity beyond Inteco. These feelings started surfacing frequently. I caught myself telling people Inteco is what I do not who I was. I had no idea who that was. I had sold myself to ensure the success of Inteco. Where would I even begin? I had no idea what I liked or didn’t like. I had no idea what I did for fun. I had no identity outside of my business. I am a founder, I am a daughter, a sister, a friend, a cousin, a grand daughter and an aunt. But, those are tittles. I have no idea who I am as an individual. Who is Munira?
I realized I never have time for myself. If I am not giving my time to my business I am fulfilling one role or another in the family. Very recently I drained out. I was not the best person in my relationships. I had checked out because I had nothing else to give. Without knowing I was just fulfilling roles and duties I thought I had to do to be me and not replenishing myself. I have no hobbies. I have no interests. I have nothing to call my own. I have not explored the world with my adult eyes. I do not listen to music. I do not cook anymore. I do not explore. I do not read. I do not draw. I do not dance. I do nothing!! I have lived in silence for three years. I had no stimuli except my business.
The realization hit home. I am not a well rounded individual. I have not been for many years. The most amazing thing is I never knew. I knew my life was good until I was exposed to people. The more I spoke to people the more I realized I was saying I used to love to camp. I used to love to draw. I used to love music. I used to love piano. I had no present loves. How did this happen? How did I get so comfortable in a cocoon that had nothing? How did I numb away all my stimuli? How did this happen? Where did I lose myself? I thought I was good wasn’t I?
It was not like I was not dreaming either. I had dreams of the places I wanted to go. The experiences I wanted to be a part of. The things I wanted to do. You have all seen the failed attempts YouTube for example. I love photography. I bought a camera and it is gathering dust as we speak. I wanted to exercise and that lasted two swimming sessions. I love to bake but last time I baked was last year. I sacrificed so much to make sure Inteco grew. I did not know I had sacrificed myself. I used to dream of all these nice things to do. I still dream of them but, less frequently now. I paused my dreams. Now, I do not know who I am in this silence.
Until next time,