Today I have been vexed. Vexed in a way that I have not felt in a very long time. In a way I forgot my zen self and let angry tears fall down. You see I cry when I am mad, happy, sad and angry. It is does not help me put my case forward but, that is neither here or there.
I was vexed because someone took advantage of my dependency of them. They decided to use our relationship to prove just how they are superior and without them I am stranded. I am vexed. The type of vexed that makes you involuntarily start twitching your leg or clenching your jaw. I as a person would never stoop so low to such play of power. I am perplexed at the people calling themselves adults as they masquerade as tantrum throwing children. What annoys me is that I have no other option but be a slave to their whims. Where will I go if I decided to act like a child and throw my OWN tantrum? Thus, I am forced to wait and wipe my angry hot tears away. Swearing to the heavens above that when the shift of power happens they will see. All I can do is wait until the day it is finally my time to speak out. The injustice I face fuels my drive to succeed.
The truth is I am afraid to speak out. I was not built for confrontation (see previous angry tears above). I cannot do it. It is not within me to stand up for myself. Especially, when it is someone older who has wronged me. They should know better. They should know what they are doing is doing to me. If they do that means they are doing it intentionally. That realization is the source of my tears. They hurt me on purpose? What kind of human is that? I shouldn’t be shocked but, I am. Every time.
One day I shall find my roar.
I will give them the silent treatment
Until next time,