I had contemplated not posting this. It was of a darker time when I truly felt that I had given up. I posted it because I know we have gone through this. You do not have to be strong. You can cry. You can shout. It is ok.
There are some good and bad days. If I was to write about only the good I feel I would be misleading you. I have been searching for a job. It has been a frustrating and tedious journey. Many times it has made me question my actions from the past. Did I make the right decision to shut off employment as an option too early on that now I have no set of skills that are employable? Should I have prepared myself for employment?
When I started Inteco I had no intention to enter employment. I was going to somehow make it and I will have the freedom to pursue the things that were important to me. I was naïve. I am not saying that you cannot make it from the get go from self-employment but, it is turning out to be very difficult.
Many times I have contemplated walking away. It is ok to be a statistic. Many businesses fail so I will not be a unique case. Many times I have questioned my sanity. Am I strong enough for this? Am I strong enough to hold on until I see the light when all I know is darkness and disappointment? Business and I guess life in general tempts your faith. You must believe in something you have no evidence that it will work. It is faith in its purest form. You put your head down and dig through the mud hoping that one day you will get through it.
I cannot lie and say today is a good day. It is not. I feel that life is not fair. It is not. If I only knew what is in the future for me maybe I would work harder, more aggressively, but, I am human. I do not have a crystal ball neither do I want one.
I believe I am at a crossroad. The most important crossroad of my life. One that I will either bask in the sunlight of my achievements or regret in my old age. I do not want to be a donkey chasing a carrot. I do not want to do things because it is beneficial to me in the short run. Maybe that is why I am having such difficulties, I am picky. Although, once in a while I look at the calendar and realize I have no such luxury to be picky. I guess that is my greatest source of anxiety. I feel as though time is flying but, I am at a standstill.
There are no words of encouragement today, nor do I want to be told to “hold on”, “it will be better”, “you are on to something” I know all these things. Today I want to be in my pajamas, cry and feel sorry for myself. Today I want to be weak and feel like the world is against me and I cannot catch a break. I want to be hugged in silence because today was not a good day. Tomorrow however, I will put on my armored suit and work it out.
Until next time,