I was not going to seek assistance from my father.
I felt I was getting very dependent on him thus, I was not been industrious enough as an entrepreneur. I kept seeking guidance in things I could have done myself. Plus, I felt confident enough to run Inteco without guidance. I was running Inteco by myself anyway. No big deal. In hindsight I had cut off one of my biggest guidance and support system.
With my new found independence I decided to generate my own capital without getting a job (this was before looking for a job). I ended up settling on making and selling braided wigs. I did a little research on YouTube on how to make one. Wig making came naturally as I had some previous experience in mat making. They both used the same technique. I sourced and bought the materials. After many trials I managed to finish one wig. I was very excited with my accomplishment. I deluded myself into thinking that it will be an instant success and that demand will surely overwhelm me. I bet you can already predict how my story will go. In reality, nothing I had envisioned happened. In fact it did not result to any sales.
With that flop my depression grew even more. It was like I was feeding this monster my hopes and dreams. The self-doubt voice was getting louder and louder. It told me I was not going to make it. I had lied to myself that I had what it takes but I did not? I was sending very negative energy from myself to myself. Instead of fighting it I soaked it up like a sponge.
At the end of it I emotionally died.
It is a peculiar feeling. I did not care to know how Inteco was doing. I was infrequent with checking the sanitary pad dispensers. My record keeping had gone to the dogs. When a good opportunity came around I secretly wanted it not to happen. How crazy is that? I wanted negative things to happen to affirm my new state of being. I was looking for reasons to justify my self-pity.
I must state for those who are curious how it affected other aspects of my life. It did not. I had self-doubt only in business. I was struggling only in business. So in social settings I would be fairly functional. However, when left alone my depression fed on my thoughts.
until next time