I was about to settle,
for a life that I had not dreamed of for myself.
When I was looking for employment I viewed it as a failure. I had never wanted employment not that there was anything wrong with employment. It was just never in my plans. Therefore, for me to actually consider employment and say yes started gnawing at me.
I kept thinking I have failed in something I worked at not to fail. All those years of defiance and creating my own path was for nothing! What was the purpose of all that? I thrived to be different. My core pillar as a person was enrooted with Inteco. Why did I sacrifice all that time and energy when at the end of the day I ended up where I am now? The Whys kept coming at me. Why did I not succeed? Why is this so hard? Why can’t I get a break? Why am I always climbing a hill? Why? Why am I always fighting to stay afloat? Why are problems so great they ran the risk of killing Inteco every.single.time? Why me?
This consistent bashing and negative energy took a toll on me. Prior to this I was a half full glass kind of person. Any problem that came I convinced myself I could conquer it. My personality had never experienced self-pity and self-doubt to this extent. I had no idea how to deal with it but to let it consume me.
It did not help that in my head I saw my peers thriving more than I was. If they were not already successful in their paths they were doing something about it. Unlike me who was playing stuck in the mud. I had set out so many goals that were not been met. It felt like I wasn’t moving at all. There was no progress in my life.
My pressure was internal. Everyone who knew what I was doing was very supportive. I was never forced to leave the path I created. However, elements in the business were not cohesive. The sales were nothing to write home about. I had no money to expand. The places I did want to expand to did not see the value of the service. There are a few great opportunities that came within this period but, I was deep in self-doubt I never even wanted to dream about them in case it never materializes.
I was drowning. I accepted it. I was aware. I just did not want to fight anymore. I was done.
Until next time